Ma, teeth and being pc less

Sorry for not writing for over a week. I planned to write on Monday but I’m now pcless for the time being so just doing a quick note ala public library before going grocery shopping.

Praise God the budget is back on track – phew.

But Ma is still being a pain. I mean, why is it whenever I have probs she always has to have probs. I mean honestly!!! Yesterday she was crying her eyes out and took far too much Bach’s rescue remedy and I’m like – be careful. And then she wouldn’t speak to me so I gave her some tough love but this am she wasn’t reassuring in her morning text and just said she wouldn’t tell me when she was down anymore she just wouldn’t answer the phone. Well I KNOW she can’t look after herself properly so I shall just call the police on her. I mean, who else would almost OD on rescue remedy. I won’t forget her preventing me from getting help with the robots by being manipulative when I was down there. I won’t forget and I won’t forgive in a hurry. She is just trying to control me yet when I stand up for myself and say “Hey I’m a grown up. I can handle this” she just can’t take it. She is also not respecting me by not even paying two pennyworth’s heed to my advice. I know I’m not good enough for her. She doesn’t need to rub it in!!!

So anyhow. I’m pcless right now. Who knows what on earth I did to it but it’s at a pal’s getting mended and I don’t know when I’ll get it back. I’m trying not to phone my friend till tomorrow asking about it but I really am quite anxious to get it back.

Also like the bank didn’t accept the debt counsellor’s first offer so that is also a worry. And I need dentures and I’m thinking “If I get a job I’ll be paying full whack for those that I can’t afford” so maybe getting a job isn’t wise for now. I don’t know. I will have to simply trust the Lord and see what happens.

Anyhow eating is fine apart from the odd binge and like sometimes I eat and sometimes I don’t. I am really into Sainsbury’s Pecan and Butterscotch indulgence cones right now. I must remember to brush my teeth more often but how easy it is to forget.

Hope you are welll. If you don’t hear from me for a few days sorry, I don’t have access to much via the Blackberry..

J

Remember the Sabbath to keep it Holy

It’s 3pm on Sabbath the 21^st of June 2009 and I’m writing this on word because I’ve been convicted to no more go on the internet on Sabbath. I’ve had the head knowledge for a while and I already don’t listen to worldly music on Sabbath – but instead put Premier Christian radio on. But today after kirk (the Free Presbyterian Church of Scotland J) I resolved to no more go on the internet on Sabbath.

Thankyou for your prayers A and M about this matter. THANKYOU SO MUCH. I know you have been praying for me in this regard and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

So this week’s blog entry (well at least some of it) though done on Sabbath WILL NOT BE UPLOADED ON SABBATH. To keep the Sabbath holy is so important and  I long for it. I am having such a blessed afternoon sitting reading. I  walked to the FP church this am – hardly dressed for church but no one said anything  fortunately – phew! And like walked home. I should have really warn my tubigrip because now my ankle is really hurting. Even now and I’ve been home two hours. I need to put the tubigrip on tonight. The flat is a tip so if you could pray I could get it clean and hovered this week I’d appreciate that (I have two free mornings – Tuesday and Wednesday to tidy and stuff. Monday I have depot shot, laundry and the floors to wash) before I see my support worker I believe for the final time, and my CPN. Wouldn’t it be fab to tell them both I’ve made real progress this week in keeping the house tidy and progressed  a little with the housework. Last week I got as far as changing my sheets on Saturday and washing the kitchen and lobby floors on Monday and doing the laundry (all before 11 – I was exhausted and not functioning for the rest of the day LOL) so this week I need to get a housework agenda for Tuesday and  Wednesday together. Then have Thursday off from doing the housework and I don’t know about Friday? Some Fridays I’m in waiting for my community meals to come and some Fridays  I like to go to the chaplaincy and see Pam. So anyhow Friday is a long way off and I’m not to concern myself with it today. Today is Sabbath – the Lord’s Day J.

Like I said this morning  I walked to the FP church and gave them my tithe from my wee Saturday job (for which I earn about £20 a week) which felt good. I am so pleased I had an extra pound coin in my bag to give to the library fund. So pleased. The Lord be praised. Then I came home and got lunch and had a nap. I’ve reduced my caffeine intake since Friday because I got really agitated with coming off the Largactil/Thorazine so I’ve gotten it down to about every 2-3 hours in the day now and none after 5 or 6pm. Fortunately it’s really hot right now so all I want to do is drink water!

Now I’m reading various magazines from various centuries and praying I my concentration improves so I can, at some point, get onto Thomas Boston or something a bit more weighty. But it’ll take time. I also pray I can make time to read in the evenings but maybe that’s asking a bit too much of oneself. Even if I could get my quiet time done in the evenings that would be such an improvement because I don’t like confessing yesterday’s sins the morning after. Keep short accounts with God is what I was once told and I hold it to be true.

Alas this evening it looks like  shall be going to the Health, Wealth and Happiness apostasy which is closer and my ankle will sustain it more (half the distance to the FP church) but God Willing within a few weeks I’ll be like going to the FP’s more often and then at some point we can get to prayer meeting and take it from there.

Thanks so much for your prayers. 700 words so better sign off for now. Shall I change my religion on facebook just yet or nae? Just wondered? Currently it’s set @ Pentecostal but I’m really not Pentecostal (the signs and wonders have ceased) but Calvinist.

J

 

1627

It’s now 1627 and I have  a headache from all that reading. I’ve read ½ of the FP magazine and about 2/3 of the Young People’s Magazine. I long to be able to read for a good part of the afternoon but alas it’s not too bed. I’m currently trying to  get digiguide (www.digiguide.com) to work so I  can find out what time the programme about Alpha is on and then I can note that down and download it tomorrow. I’M NOT GOING TO GO ONLINE ON SABBATH ANYMORE IF I CAN POSSIBLY AVOID IT. But alas the natural self is screaming every time I go near this computer to go online. Any excuse. I really am being tormented and would  covet your prayers. Even if you don’t read this till tomorrow. I have always written blogs/journals primarily  for self so if you don’t read it till tomorrow that’s fine. God will read it today. J.

Anyhow soon be my prayer and bible time in the prayer closet so maybe I can get some relief from this headache. What I shall do after kirk but before bed I have no idea! Maybe finish reading the magazines. I’m also trying to avoid doing any craft work of any kind on Sabbath but that’s hard because of my head being frazzled. Craft work really is worldly work and should not be done on Sabbath. But the Lord knows how frail and weak I am. He is merciful yet he is also MOST holy.

I have read some really goodly articles this afternoon in  the magazine. In particular on the transfiguration  by James Begg on page 164 and also on the Law and the Gospel (3) on page 174 by Rev J R Tallach. The sermon on the transfiguration was good because like it talked about how we shall still know people we have known in earth in heaven, and likewise unregenerate sinners will know  those who have led and encouraged them in sin in Hell. Very solemn yet also very encouraging.  I have learnt a new word from the article by Rev. Tallach. Antinomianism but I’m not entirely sure (a) how to pronounce it and (b) what it means. I think it means the opposite of being legalistic in that they sin so that grace may abound more as mentioned by Paul and warned against. Oh how prevalent that is in the popular Pentecostal church. How I must warn them and encourage them to keep the Sabbath holy. If that’s all I do for the few short weeks I have left there then my time  will not have been in vain. If only I can encourage my Pentecostal friends by facebook, even after I’ve left to keep the Sabbath holy and to bring their children up in the knowledge and admonition of the Lord and not just leave it for Sabbath school, then my time there will not have been in vain.

Anyhow I have another idea as to how to get Digiguide to work – reboot the pc. So best go.

 

J

2004

I feel bad for even blogging in any form on Sabbath but blog is therapy and I feel I need it right now. It’s just once I’m on the pc I’m tempted to go online. So maybe long term blogging will have to be done in a notebook on Sabbath and typed up the next day. We’ll see. Please pray for wisdom.

I don’t know what I feel bad about giving up my beloved internet on Sabbath. I feel really grumpy and down and like sad and stuff. Yet it was my decision. I thought because I gave up the coffee (well substantially reduced) it would be so easy. Yet I’m finding it really hard. I’ve even been hearing Satan’s voice this afternoon because of it. Now was it really Satan or my natural  self screaming like a child @ me? I don’t know. I’d appreciate (regular Christian readers) your opinion because one thing I know is that I can’t trust the medics to get this one right.

I went to the Pentecostals but didn’t sing the songs. They have little appeal to me today. They are okay for the weekday but not for Sabbath. They are just pop songs anyway and it’s Sabbath. S even made a joke and I thought ‘today is a serious holy day, not the day for making jokes’. D was quite keen to know what I’d gleaned from the magazines. So I will try and pass them onto him when I’ve finished with them and have a bit of a discussion on facebook. Please pray for him. He uses the NIV which is really no Bible and he has this whopping Life Application study bible with a huge fancy cover and I’m almost thinking to myself (but not daring to say it) that’s what’s wrong with a decent cross reference and a small commentary. There are plenty of good commentaries available, ‘study bibles’ at church are surely just for show. But then I bet he just has the one bible whereas I have too many too count. In fact I must give some to the FP minister soon for witnessing or send them to G & T in Edinburgh for mission work. I don’t know. There was a collection for the new library or something @ the FP’s this am so I gave a small amount to that.

So anyhow, back to the point of this post. About giving up the internet on Sabbath. It’s God’s command yet why, after initially feeling joyous, do I find it such a burden? I will get used to it. I really will. I’m going to make myself. But then I question when I should try and quit the cigarettes if this is so hard for me. This is just for one day! Cigarettes are going to take me ages. And I could be grumpy for ages. It doesn’t bode well. Och wretched woman that I am – who shall save me from the body of this death (paraphrased)? Only Christ can make me whole. Only Christ. Yet this evening I am shaking my fist at him in heart if not in mind and body. Och how ungrateful is sin and how fowl it’s smell. Deliver me  thou my God I do thee humbly pray. Deliver thou this thy servant.

 

J

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free from most of the anxiety – bar me and my big mouth

Well good morning ppls. How are we all? I updated my Sparkpeople blog yesterday and I don’t want to repeat myself on both blogs so I thought I’d write wordpress when I felt inspired. I’m  doing this this morning at the cost of writing an email to M in Canada which is what I normally do when I’m waiting for breakkie to cool down.

It’s been an interesting week ….

You know I’ve had anxiety for I don’t know how long now and on Wednesday it finally left. Phew and praise God. .It got overwhelming on Monday and Tuesday of last week and I spent the time, crying, in bed, confused and not eating. You can tell when I’m mentally sick cos I just lose my appetite and don’t eat!!! I also stay in bed a lot. I was thinking about doing the Great Escape – that I haven’t done for about 4 years and spammed Dr. C no end about it (poor man.) but only as far as the Hebrides cos I’m skint! I vow never to go back on Brodie because Maureen told me not to return last time I was there and just ‘cope’. Yeah whatever. Like I go in there for least little thing. Also when trying to tell the nurses on Monday when I had to go to the chaplaincy she was less than helpful. Telling me to snap out of something when I don’t trust you will just result in me bawling all the more and yelling @ you to leave me alone. I needed time and a safe place to cry and when I’m ill I’m very sensitive and cry over least little thing.

Too many ppl have been prying about how much I earn busking. Not least Louise Cormack whom I don’t trust because she’s jealous about my income and K off the ward. I actually told K off the ward and now feel terrible. Must mark him down as not to be trusted. It’ll be all over the ward by now and I need those monies to give me flexibility with the debt busting budget. I’m not going out busking today cos I’ve earnt enough this week and I don’t want to be massively over what I’m allowed to earn with the DWP. So many folk see me busking. I have to be careful. It’s early days so I haven’t decided if I’m going to declare it if I go over by  a few pounds. I’ll leave it another few weeks before I decide that. But all I want to earn is what I’m allowed to earn. I want to keep this all above board. I’m not like a beggar on Union St earning £50-60 a day and it all going on drugs etc and them not declaring it.

So  yeah, now back eating and trying to keep busy. I only have 2 more weeks of my support worker due to lack of funding so pray I can get into a routine with the housework. The budget has also gone awol the past few weeks so pray I can get back on track with that.

Blessings…breakkie will be cool now

J

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A few evening meditations for you

2 Cor 12:9

And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Also

Ps 23  v1: The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want

and finally

Phil 4:19 But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.

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thoughts and impulses

Morning all. Blessings in the name of our glorious redeemer!

I am still @ Ma’s with bad thoughts. We got Ma’s microwave yesterday and it was only £30 and is fab for her. Not too complicated:). It was really cool when we were @ the supermarket because like we got there and this guy had some starbucks frappucino samples and I was still feeling anxious and it was like God was reassuring me.

Alas I got robots again last night@ the seaside because I overspent. I have the money but I feel pressurized by G and T to save it and when I get too worldly I feel like I’m actually turning into a robot and want to become a tuna fish! It’s very traumatic and I’ll feel very burdened to become a tuna fish. It makes me semi suicidal with wanting to become a tuna fish.

Even though I got bargains I still feel guilty for overspending. I always feel that. I haven’t overspent by nearly as much as I normally do on holiday yet I still feel guilty!!! Argh! And it’s not like I’ve gone overdrawn with it either!!! Argh. I don’t know what G and T expect me to use for support sometimes but like they’re anti internet – anti practically everything I enjoy. They were even anti A when I was going out with him. I am sitting here hearing them in my head condemning me and I don’t like it. But then I haven’t had my meds this am because I was going to leave them till later so I cope okay on the train home.

I am finding myself desperately wanting to be in a psych unit (sectioned preferably) anywhere BUT @ home which I haven’t had the feeling of that so strong and for so many days for years!!! I’m really battling it and whilst when it gets overwhelming the robots take over I know it’s really about anxiety and like going home. I think the FCC knocking my confidence about being on my own well and truly have a lot to answer for just like G & T have a lot to answer for with the robots. God is my righteousness though. He will hold the guilty accountable. The meds I find help with all this. So that’s why I’m taking them @ the station rather than at home even though my stomach is in knots right now. I know I don’t need to be in hospital right now. I just want to be. There’s a difference. A subtle but noticeable for me, difference and I need to be honest with someone therefore I’m being honest with you. Telling you stuff in words I can’t tell anyone else. It’s so much easier than verbalizing it all!!! It would be difficult to do it on the phone. It would be impossible face to face. I feel so guilty for regressing you would not believe yet I don’t really know how to stop it because I miss Helen and Pa terribly.

DV in about 2 weeks time I will be well enough to quit the cigs. Please pray.Now is not the right time with adjusting to being on my own and things. But maybe in a week or two I’ll be upto it. I have Uni in about 3 weeks that I’m secretly dreading. I thought I was upto it but now I wonder.

Anyhow almost 7.30am (sorry I haven’t adjusted this clock yet) so best go, get a brew and do my quiet time before we head off to the station

J

Another Sabbath onwards

I got my normal anxieties back last night (see last post) and I’m back smoking (for now). I think the patches just make me way too anxious with the lack of nicotine.

The remedy to all this is simple. To simply and in a childlike manner TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL OF THINE HEART AND LEAN NOT ON YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING. IN ALL YOUR WAYS ACKNOWLEGE HIM AND HE WILL MAKE YOUR PATHS STRAIGHT.

But sometimes I wonder if I’m too much of a sinner for that!

I was thinking last night – tired and anxious how my healing will come through music and craft work. On Friday I got a load of craft kits cheap that I can sell on folksy for a profit once I’ve made them up and yesterday I got a tonne of music for the keyboard and the whistle for a tenner from a charity shop. The Lord be praised.

Ma is being Ma right now. Feistily independant and won’t be told. I feared this and often quite negative and prone to putting herself down. I am like a lobster with the meds but anyhow. I am really sore and it’s been 21c here for the past few day so I’ve been out in the garden and what not.

So back to what I was saying about music and craft work. This is going to be my routine for the winter – music in the day, craft at night. So obviously I need to be prepared.I can’t join SCAT (scottish culture and traditions)till I’m semi competant @ the whistle so that’ll be the Fall DV. So I have to practice my socks off for now but the timings on the folk music are so hard to get ones head around and I don’t know how fast to play them.

Anyhow sorry for such a short blog entry. I’m not on my own pc and feel very self conscious and uninspired to write.

J

I’m under satanic attack Pls pray

I’m under satanic attack. I have all the negative thoughts like I do @ the weekend about the day centre closing and being on my own and I’m feeling so insecure yet I know deep down my security is in the Lord. It’s so worrying and I feel so anxious. I don’t know what to do. I’m trying to do stuff to keep busy but it’s so hot and stuff.

Last night I quit smoking. I know – I know what you’re saying and that’s what my natural self is thinking. One cig and I’ll cope. But the reality is I’m going to get these thoughts whether I smoke or  not. I could get a voluntary job if  was that desperate. Maybe not Barnardos but maybe something else. There will always be voluntary work. A works with M sufferers and I’m thinking of trying out the busking and stuff, but right now everything seems pretty pointless to be quite honest.

It’s just because – and I was feeling fine before this – I had my depot and it was a lot lower dose than what I thought. It was a lot lower. And I started worrying about DLA and stuff. And then I started to worry about the drop ins and not having enough support. But there are lots of folk who don’t use the drop ins and there are the old folk who just go out for coffees and do voluntary work and go to the community centres for stuff so why should I worry? Look @ housing support. They still have funding despite only being promised 6 months at a time. It’s so worrying. And it’s not so much the fact that I won’t have people to see and stuff because I enjoy being on my own to a degree. I find too many folk overwhelming. It’s just that I worry about how I’ll cope with change. I need to speak to B @ the chaplaincy or someone from there as they really understand where I’m at right now. I don’t want to go little girl ish with not coping. I mean, I can cope.  I really can!

A doesn’t want to go out for a coffee and I’m scared he’s cooling it for now. I really feel insecure and stuff but I guess he hasn’t been to the drop in much lately and like wants to check in with them. I just want him as a good friend anyways. But like I long so much for a husband you would not believe. I’m hearing T as  I say this in my head saying I’m not well enough but he has NO idea. I daren’t tell him I’m trying to quit smoking because if I don’t succeed (like if I get too low) he’ll say I didn’t try hard enough. I feel myself crying inside as I write this. But like I know a cigarette wouldn’t help and I’m really not craving a cigarette. I’m craving another cup of coffee and some water but that’s about it.

Anyhow best go and do some washing up pre lunch.

TC for now

J

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Well it’s a Saturday morning – time to blog

Though I need breakkie soon and like I have no clean bowls – dang. Hope you are well. It’s  been a stressful few days. On Tues/Wed/Thurs (thurs was a killer!) I had major issues about control with CAP and then I started to get anxious about visiting Ma soon. Why is she so into chocolate biscuits and NO having them coated on one side does NOT make them justifiable. I mean…I’ll just get addicted and I really can’t afford to get hooked on choc biscuits. Not right now.

So on Tuesday and Wednesday I was in superdog mode and like on Thursday I just cried and heard voices. It really didn’t help that when I confided in T @ B McCall Barbour on Wednesday about my issues with control he just didn’t get it and said that I couldn’t cope with money before and that I needed someone to be in control of my money. Well that’s just like saying I should be in residential care with £20 a week for cigs and that’s it!!!  It’s on a par with him calling me handicapped a few months ago and I didn’t speak to him for a few days because of it. (because he didn’t apologise. He just said it was the truth – it’s a load of hogwash but anyhow). On Wednesday I also had the choc biscuit row.

On Tuesday I was so into CAP and like Michael More in  Gerrard St wastes money and his DLA and is in debt as a result. Not my fault he didn’t tell the DWP about his inheritance (40K) and used it to buy his flat. I should really report him for that but I daren’t so I’m blogging it instead. Now he has 4K loan from his Pa on the the never never and I don’t know how much from the bank and okay he doesn’t smoke but he has an expensive coffee at Costa EVERY day (even Sabbath ) and like eats out @ the kebab shop and stuff and yet he could perfectly well cook for himself. When I have the robots and psychosis I can’t cook for myself. In fact in those times I don’t go out and I don’t eat cos I just get too muddled. Can’t even make porridge a la microwave @ those times. So what am I supposed to do? I tell you I just don’t eat. Or if  I eat I eat snack high calorie, junk food. Michael More does not have a psychosis and is obese. There’s no excuse and he won’t get a bus pass so he can get cheap food.  I have no sympathy just obvious frustration.

On Thursday I had a freak out about the CAP budget and it pretty much lasted all day. Really put my foot in it with CAP and am surprised they are still working with me. But they will save me about 1k in loan interest so they’re worth it! I thought about quitting. I really did, but then I thought against it. Also on Wednesday I went for my shiatsu @ the day centre so  I slept like a baby. And like she helps me with nutrition. I made my first proper meal @ home on Wednesday night of rice with scrambled egg, tinned veg and cold meat with a bit (too much) miso thrown in, toast and red wine vinegar. In fact it was better cold than hot. It was yummy. On Thursday I had one of my community meals because I was so stressed which I needed. Tonight I’m making omelette

On Monday when I got sick @ the drop in the worker helped me menu plan so on Tuesday I went to Asda and bought a  load of tinned stuff (tinned veg and tinned pots to snack on) and loo roll, loads of jars of coffee and 4 bottles of squash and it only came to £14.35 which made my day. Then on Wednesday I had this bright idea about busking to earn my £20 allowance from the DWP and like bought a really cheap tinwhistle from Bruce Miller’s yesterday but I really want either a clarkes sweetone, black in D one or like  a clarke’s classic in D one which are about £8 I think and I just can’t justify that right now having blown £11.25 on a tinwhistle tutor. Maybe in a couple of weeks I can justify one or like Wednesday but for now I’ll just have to resist the impulse to spend. You don’t need a license in the granite city to busk, just make sure you’re not causing an obstruction and like I thought about crocheting a busking cap with a small 2.5″ side in a circle in bright pink and maybe selling them on folksy.

So you can see how busy I’ve been and now it’s 0714 and I need to go wash these bowls and make breakkie.

Every blessing

J.

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prayers pls

As you know I tried to quit smoking last week and failed (2 days into the CAP budget) and like I thought that was probably because I wasn’t fully adjusted to the CAP budget but I’ve just done the budget for this week and next and it looks champion. Even with going to Ma’s for the weekend it looks champion!!!

Now I’m thinking….

With the CAP budget it’s going to take me about 3-4 months to save up for new veggie doc martens and

I’d really like ‘em sooner (they’re about £80 and would last me 5 years of hard pounding the streets of Abdn and are made in England ). If I quit cigs we’re looking @ less than 6 weeks!!!

What does everyone reckon and if I do quit…when? Now or like when I go to Ma’s a week thurs….

J

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I’m just so hungry…

All I’ve had to eat today is like a bowl of porridge and a banana. I’m just sitting here so hungry and so anxious!!! I keep thinking if I eat or try and prepare food the robots and the CIA will come and kill me and stuff. It’s just so scary you would not believe. I don’t know who to tell.

At the drop in centre they had a questionaire about funding. They reckon they’ll get their funding cut again next year and where will that leave me? I pray they put a 24 hour crisis line in place or something cos right now I’m needing help with just about all the basics – taking meds (which I’m not doing apart from depot), eating, showering, brushing my teeth, washing my hair. I need to be reminded and encouraged and reassured on all these points. I need someone to sit with me when I eat and prepare food cos I’m scared witless otherwise and I’m actually quite low right now. I feel like no one loves me and I feel so alone you would not believe and I’m sitting worrying my life away (pretty literally) and I don’t feel safe. I can’t make myself feel safe by tidying because I feel nauseaus with hunger. I feel dizzy and lightheaded too. I don’t have that much refined sugar in my diet and I’m craving carbs and protein and veg (sort of not the veg but I don’t just have protein and carbs).

I think I’m about to become keyfaced and keel over so best go…..

J

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