The illness…a week off meds and the consequences

Well I’m fine now, thanks for all your prayers . Still a little paranoid (not least Jinxy on Support and Recovery 2 on Yahoo telling me she was going to become a witch. Bad timing Jinx, bad timing ) and I’m back listening to the radio. It’s been a tough few days. But I finally feel like I’m coming out of it.

It began about a week ago when about 4 or 5 days into being off chlorpromazine and like having PMS (the joys, och the joys or should I say the blessed trials) I tried to quit the cigs and of course failed. (I guess I was never going to succeed whilst having the PMS) and cried all afternoon for J my CPN whom I was finishing with the next day. I went back on the cigs but that didn’t stop the voices. They were even singing along to Josh Groban on my IPOD. Shock horror. It wasn’t pleasant.

I thought I was better….I wasn’t…

Saturday found me accusing F of spying on FB just because he’s papist. I don’t have him as friend for that reason. I completely laid into him with no provocation.

That was Saturday

Sabbath – well I was online and didn’t keep it holy but like I woke @ 3am and I found some mean well, but don’t understand the illness reformed baptist guy on FB posting about the 1WG and stuff and that sends me into paranoia which means after jogging on Monday (and having tried all the distraction techniques known to woman) I’m back popping a pill. I just slept the rest of the afternoon. Prompt email to Dr. C (aka The Hippy) saying ‘Sorry mate, (well not quite that colloquial) but I have to go back on the meds’. Thought that was going to be the end of it. How wrong I was.

Tues bought more robot delusions and like I just responded by ordering a daylight lamp off amazon. The links are here and here respectively. I ordered the Ecozone one but I think the Androv would have been better.

They have yet to come – there’s postal strike

By Wednesday. Well Ma who has been problematic for I don’t know how long just went ape at me. And like counselling was tough. Ma is so hedonistic and professes Christ yet really has no idea what that really means. Helen (Helen Hancock, Senior Staff Nurse who works at St Marys Hospital and whom I’m convinced has some sort of Personality Disorder. I’m so desperate for her to get help and stop her manipulation of me that I’ll name her on here) is being even more unreasonable than ever. So by the evening I was hallucinating and bawling my eyes out because I thought I was going to get food poisoning due to the hallucinations. Hallucinations, delusions you know the score. I’d already stopped listening to radio 4 because of the paranoia.

K my old CPN was at the out of hours service which was blessing. Considering dear M (who normally succeeds) hadn’t managed to get prn down me on Sat how K succeeded I have NO idea. I was asleep by 10pm. I woke @ 11.30pm to the sound of aliens and me having a conversation with them saying ‘nemo nemo’. That was kind of freaky. Never before have voices woken me up. I think without meds my illness would be out of control. I really do. But the question is whether I need haldol or just thorazine. I don’t know. I don’t want any more thorazine because it makes me too stiff to go jogging. I like the combo I’m on right now. I can function (with the prescence of symptoms usually but I can function) without too many side effects.

So yeah, living in fear of hallucinating again yesterday (and not getting the dutiful morning meds of coffee till 11.30am ) I phoned my care team. I wasn’t sure about what K had said about meds on Wed so they confirmed it (phew) and said just stick at the high dose for a few days till things have settled down then reduce to the low dose but DON’T come off them again in a hurry.

This morning I already feel better (just about to take vits and read bible) but I’m missing my jogging . Didn’t make it yesterday. Wasn’t well enough. Think I might repeat week 6 of Couch to 5K next week when I get the lower dose of meds. No point in doing it whilst I’m on the high dose.
It’ll be self defeating.

Anyhow just wanted you to know how I am. I think it’s hilarious about Nick Griffin on QT. These ppl just don’t know what’s good for them….

J

cigs….dee dum.

I’m down to 2 pouches (two big pouches @ less than £7 ea) from 3.5 a year ago (or it could be 6 mths ago) of tobacco and I’ve absolutely no idea how I’ve done it!!! Absolutely not a scooby. Praise God. Half realized this last thurs when I ran out of tobacco @ 5 in the morning (and I will only buy the cheap stuff and Asda and coop were closed) and ended up on nicorette and easily lasted till 3pm in the afternoon and then went back on them cos I 0 get the job I’d went for (actually I just needed a bar of choc LOL. Now that’s happened before dee dum) so obviously thurs was the right time but the wrong day. It’s very encouraging. Will try and quit soon again. Will keep folk informed (when I get to a week or something. Not for the first few days). Hope everyone is well. Long tiring day today. Jogging soon (and I was up @ 5) and I won’t get home from Uni till 10pm tonight.

Hugs

J

well…dee dum…tired

Well….dee dum…tired. Went to Pillar Aberdeen’s open day yesterday and met Simon Bradstreet from the Scottish Recovery Network. That was pleasant but then Thursday was so manic I was exhausted and it poured down with rain and was freezing (and I had no coat).

Anyhow that’s the summary of events. Now for the real blog. Firstly how my weight is back to normal (normal being just under 11 stone) when I ate cake yesterday x2 I have no idea but I’m not complaining. I figure everything is okay so long as one exercises every day. Even over exercising is fine if you’ve overdone the good cake that one needs for our hormones (you know my theory LOL).

S wasn’t at the P open day and she said she would be. Neither was P. Och shocking. The funders just don’t care do they?

Anyhow, why am I writing? Cos I’m sitting here mega dazed and confused and like I have to go out to tesco for new headphones for my ipod. I should be there now. I should have been there this am!!! Och what is one to do but vent on their blog.

Will I ever get voluntary work again whilst my life remains so hectic. Some days starting (well getting up) at 5.30 and going to bed @ midnight. Am I manic – only if have too many espressos LOL. I seem to be well and yet like crazy at the same time. It’s weird.

I am seriously thinking of writing to Gabriella, the public school girl who got a bit too big for her boots and killed her best friend in a car accident. The joys of adolescence. For some reason I feel for her. She will survive though. She will come out of prison a better person God Willing and I’m praying for her. You may say….but I’ve never done anything so bad? Well you lucky, lucky person. There is none righteous, no not one and God does not look on the outward appearence but on the heart. My adolescence was colourful to say the least and like G I had everything mapped out from a young age and then it went caput overnight so I can identify a little with her. Hence I’m thinking of writing to her (if anyone reading this knows which prison she is in can you let me know asap. It’ll mean my letter gets to her so much quicker!!!). I write to survive. Not so that you enjoy reading it

So yeah….what is one to do…even with the windows open I still feel like I’ve been hit on the head with a brick and like I NEED to get to tesco. Argh. Pull yourself together woman asap or do SOMETHING!!!

Speaking of which. Anyone else tried SRWare Iron. Looks better than Google Chrome and more private. Is pretty fast too I’m learning and a nice GUI. Better than avant anyway. I’ve got a thing about browsers cos sooner or later they chog up with cookies.

Right girlie I need water and to make a shopping list for tesco and I’ll speak to you some other time.

Hugs

J

Morning all. Sorry not written for so long but I’ve just been so busy. I still haven’t done/complete Uni work for Monday night and like I have a busy weekend again.

I now figure I loathe with a passion people patronizing me. I mean I went for a job that was 30 hours a week and I didn’t get it and the fossil T said I could do with a job that was 5-10 hours a week. He is so patronizing and so out of touch with the modern world you would not believe. Like he’s elderly (over 65 but I’m not permitted to say how old though I did find out via scotlandspeople website) and he refuses to put his books he sells on Abebooks then he wonders why things aren’t selling??? He regards the internet with about the same disdain as he has for the anti christ etc. etc.

Which brings me onto my first job interview. Their loss. They want (I figure…correct me if I’m wrong) for that post a service user who will just kow tow to them and who has a job. I don’t fit that criteria. Board meetings don’t scare me. I fight anyone if I believe I’m in the right. I fight for truth, justice and those who can’t speak out for themselves. I WILL NOT KOW TOW TO THE CLINICAL DIRECTOR (you hear me P). Be ye warned. So what’s the point of going for it?

Now they are talking about another group in which I’m to have a ‘buddy’. Well I’ll only accept a buddy who has power so that’s that. I WILL NOT BE PATRONIZED. I’m worth more than that. So whilst I’m being nice and sweet to S I’m really not trusting her. She lost my trust 2 weeks ago. Woe betide her. That’s the end of them manipulating me. (was it ever the beginning….). The trust talk about recovery but they’re really not interested. It’s just the latest buzz word. They don’t care about patients and the grass roots stuff. If they did I’d have gotten that post. Simple. And if I am proved wrong I’ll shove it up here for all to see. But my experience with managers recently has shown this, by observation, to be the case. It’s all about politics and money. BORING BORING BORING. Done that, been there in my early 20’s. Time to move on and get well.

And I’m now 3 months without the tv . It’s going really well. I could have gotten it back end of last month but I really don’t want it. I’m perfectly happy with my wee pure digital radio (brilliant good quality radio for the price and you can plug ANY mp3 player into it too). You get a lot better news feed off the radio and you save yourself a fortune to boot. Praise God I got rid of the TV – second time lucky as they say (or should that have been third). It’s really helped the robot delusion as well that I’m finally getting relief from after 2 years of torment. And if I get paranoid I just don’t listen to radio 4 for a few days. Simple

Anyhow need mair of the good brun stuff so best go…

Keep in touch

J

Well it’s a long time since I’ve written – first class reports et al

Well well well. There’s no one to phone and the students are engaged (wow they have a caller ) and like I’ve just finished my first class at Uni for this semester. How did it go. Okay I guess but we’ll see. I have a family history exercise to do for the next 2 weeks so we’ll see how that goes. MUST discuss it with Ma tomorrow and see what I can do. I don’t know ANYTHING about my family history in Scotland but I fancy doing the weird one we know little about in Dundee (I don’t even know their surname). Of course it, being 10pm @ night can’t phone Ma but not to worry. How are you?

And I have a confession at some point but I’ll leave that for a day I’m brave. I’m not speaking to L anymore. She pops into the chaplaincy all full of beans and saying how when she first knew me I was mega skinny but that’s not true. I was 200lbs then. I’m 154 now. Get the pic? She just chases money and will never be content until she finds Christ and where she’ll find him when she has rejected me I have no idea! She just used me and I have no wish to get her mobile off her etc etc.

Pray my ID card is @ Uni tomorrow. If I’m to get to the library in the evenings to read the paper I’m going to need it! I now have a bike so it’s fab to be able to whiz here and there. I know it’s dangerous on the roads where I live but the buses are rubbish and like I can’t always walk on my ankle with the dodgy ligaments (which I never do the exercises for from physio – dee dum). So yeah….the bike is fab but today was the first day I biked in the rain and I got soaked and I worried about my laptop (because I can’t write very well due to problems with my neck that I’ve never been well enough to get fixed).

And I now go to the FP church rather than the FCC. Rev.M is a Jesuit and I’ll say it publically. I’ll say it publically because it’s what I believe. He’s all nicey nice to the people he has to be to and the people he wants to influence but he wanted rid of me for the last year and now he has it. Even the presbytery that I appealed to was a total cover up (I’m choosing my words carefully here and sincerely). I can’t speak to my friends from the FCC because they all take M’s side. So that’s a grief. Even one lady who used to be like a mother figure to me I’ve since lost.

Och and finally from tomorrow (tues) for about a week one of my photos is in the See Me Exhibition in Aberdeen Arts Centre (look for the one of the surfers on the sand) so please please vote for me cos if I win I get to spend a day with a photographer which’d be simply fab for my art work.

Hugs

J

Ma, teeth and being pc less

Sorry for not writing for over a week. I planned to write on Monday but I’m now pcless for the time being so just doing a quick note ala public library before going grocery shopping.

Praise God the budget is back on track – phew.

But Ma is still being a pain. I mean, why is it whenever I have probs she always has to have probs. I mean honestly!!! Yesterday she was crying her eyes out and took far too much Bach’s rescue remedy and I’m like – be careful. And then she wouldn’t speak to me so I gave her some tough love but this am she wasn’t reassuring in her morning text and just said she wouldn’t tell me when she was down anymore she just wouldn’t answer the phone. Well I KNOW she can’t look after herself properly so I shall just call the police on her. I mean, who else would almost OD on rescue remedy. I won’t forget her preventing me from getting help with the robots by being manipulative when I was down there. I won’t forget and I won’t forgive in a hurry. She is just trying to control me yet when I stand up for myself and say “Hey I’m a grown up. I can handle this” she just can’t take it. She is also not respecting me by not even paying two pennyworth’s heed to my advice. I know I’m not good enough for her. She doesn’t need to rub it in!!!

So anyhow. I’m pcless right now. Who knows what on earth I did to it but it’s at a pal’s getting mended and I don’t know when I’ll get it back. I’m trying not to phone my friend till tomorrow asking about it but I really am quite anxious to get it back.

Also like the bank didn’t accept the debt counsellor’s first offer so that is also a worry. And I need dentures and I’m thinking “If I get a job I’ll be paying full whack for those that I can’t afford” so maybe getting a job isn’t wise for now. I don’t know. I will have to simply trust the Lord and see what happens.

Anyhow eating is fine apart from the odd binge and like sometimes I eat and sometimes I don’t. I am really into Sainsbury’s Pecan and Butterscotch indulgence cones right now. I must remember to brush my teeth more often but how easy it is to forget.

Hope you are welll. If you don’t hear from me for a few days sorry, I don’t have access to much via the Blackberry..

J

Remember the Sabbath to keep it Holy

It’s 3pm on Sabbath the 21^st of June 2009 and I’m writing this on word because I’ve been convicted to no more go on the internet on Sabbath. I’ve had the head knowledge for a while and I already don’t listen to worldly music on Sabbath – but instead put Premier Christian radio on. But today after kirk (the Free Presbyterian Church of Scotland J) I resolved to no more go on the internet on Sabbath.

Thankyou for your prayers A and M about this matter. THANKYOU SO MUCH. I know you have been praying for me in this regard and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

So this week’s blog entry (well at least some of it) though done on Sabbath WILL NOT BE UPLOADED ON SABBATH. To keep the Sabbath holy is so important and  I long for it. I am having such a blessed afternoon sitting reading. I  walked to the FP church this am – hardly dressed for church but no one said anything  fortunately – phew! And like walked home. I should have really warn my tubigrip because now my ankle is really hurting. Even now and I’ve been home two hours. I need to put the tubigrip on tonight. The flat is a tip so if you could pray I could get it clean and hovered this week I’d appreciate that (I have two free mornings – Tuesday and Wednesday to tidy and stuff. Monday I have depot shot, laundry and the floors to wash) before I see my support worker I believe for the final time, and my CPN. Wouldn’t it be fab to tell them both I’ve made real progress this week in keeping the house tidy and progressed  a little with the housework. Last week I got as far as changing my sheets on Saturday and washing the kitchen and lobby floors on Monday and doing the laundry (all before 11 – I was exhausted and not functioning for the rest of the day LOL) so this week I need to get a housework agenda for Tuesday and  Wednesday together. Then have Thursday off from doing the housework and I don’t know about Friday? Some Fridays I’m in waiting for my community meals to come and some Fridays  I like to go to the chaplaincy and see Pam. So anyhow Friday is a long way off and I’m not to concern myself with it today. Today is Sabbath – the Lord’s Day J.

Like I said this morning  I walked to the FP church and gave them my tithe from my wee Saturday job (for which I earn about £20 a week) which felt good. I am so pleased I had an extra pound coin in my bag to give to the library fund. So pleased. The Lord be praised. Then I came home and got lunch and had a nap. I’ve reduced my caffeine intake since Friday because I got really agitated with coming off the Largactil/Thorazine so I’ve gotten it down to about every 2-3 hours in the day now and none after 5 or 6pm. Fortunately it’s really hot right now so all I want to do is drink water!

Now I’m reading various magazines from various centuries and praying I my concentration improves so I can, at some point, get onto Thomas Boston or something a bit more weighty. But it’ll take time. I also pray I can make time to read in the evenings but maybe that’s asking a bit too much of oneself. Even if I could get my quiet time done in the evenings that would be such an improvement because I don’t like confessing yesterday’s sins the morning after. Keep short accounts with God is what I was once told and I hold it to be true.

Alas this evening it looks like  shall be going to the Health, Wealth and Happiness apostasy which is closer and my ankle will sustain it more (half the distance to the FP church) but God Willing within a few weeks I’ll be like going to the FP’s more often and then at some point we can get to prayer meeting and take it from there.

Thanks so much for your prayers. 700 words so better sign off for now. Shall I change my religion on facebook just yet or nae? Just wondered? Currently it’s set @ Pentecostal but I’m really not Pentecostal (the signs and wonders have ceased) but Calvinist.

J

 

1627

It’s now 1627 and I have  a headache from all that reading. I’ve read ½ of the FP magazine and about 2/3 of the Young People’s Magazine. I long to be able to read for a good part of the afternoon but alas it’s not too bed. I’m currently trying to  get digiguide (www.digiguide.com) to work so I  can find out what time the programme about Alpha is on and then I can note that down and download it tomorrow. I’M NOT GOING TO GO ONLINE ON SABBATH ANYMORE IF I CAN POSSIBLY AVOID IT. But alas the natural self is screaming every time I go near this computer to go online. Any excuse. I really am being tormented and would  covet your prayers. Even if you don’t read this till tomorrow. I have always written blogs/journals primarily  for self so if you don’t read it till tomorrow that’s fine. God will read it today. J.

Anyhow soon be my prayer and bible time in the prayer closet so maybe I can get some relief from this headache. What I shall do after kirk but before bed I have no idea! Maybe finish reading the magazines. I’m also trying to avoid doing any craft work of any kind on Sabbath but that’s hard because of my head being frazzled. Craft work really is worldly work and should not be done on Sabbath. But the Lord knows how frail and weak I am. He is merciful yet he is also MOST holy.

I have read some really goodly articles this afternoon in  the magazine. In particular on the transfiguration  by James Begg on page 164 and also on the Law and the Gospel (3) on page 174 by Rev J R Tallach. The sermon on the transfiguration was good because like it talked about how we shall still know people we have known in earth in heaven, and likewise unregenerate sinners will know  those who have led and encouraged them in sin in Hell. Very solemn yet also very encouraging.  I have learnt a new word from the article by Rev. Tallach. Antinomianism but I’m not entirely sure (a) how to pronounce it and (b) what it means. I think it means the opposite of being legalistic in that they sin so that grace may abound more as mentioned by Paul and warned against. Oh how prevalent that is in the popular Pentecostal church. How I must warn them and encourage them to keep the Sabbath holy. If that’s all I do for the few short weeks I have left there then my time  will not have been in vain. If only I can encourage my Pentecostal friends by facebook, even after I’ve left to keep the Sabbath holy and to bring their children up in the knowledge and admonition of the Lord and not just leave it for Sabbath school, then my time there will not have been in vain.

Anyhow I have another idea as to how to get Digiguide to work – reboot the pc. So best go.

 

J

2004

I feel bad for even blogging in any form on Sabbath but blog is therapy and I feel I need it right now. It’s just once I’m on the pc I’m tempted to go online. So maybe long term blogging will have to be done in a notebook on Sabbath and typed up the next day. We’ll see. Please pray for wisdom.

I don’t know what I feel bad about giving up my beloved internet on Sabbath. I feel really grumpy and down and like sad and stuff. Yet it was my decision. I thought because I gave up the coffee (well substantially reduced) it would be so easy. Yet I’m finding it really hard. I’ve even been hearing Satan’s voice this afternoon because of it. Now was it really Satan or my natural  self screaming like a child @ me? I don’t know. I’d appreciate (regular Christian readers) your opinion because one thing I know is that I can’t trust the medics to get this one right.

I went to the Pentecostals but didn’t sing the songs. They have little appeal to me today. They are okay for the weekday but not for Sabbath. They are just pop songs anyway and it’s Sabbath. S even made a joke and I thought ‘today is a serious holy day, not the day for making jokes’. D was quite keen to know what I’d gleaned from the magazines. So I will try and pass them onto him when I’ve finished with them and have a bit of a discussion on facebook. Please pray for him. He uses the NIV which is really no Bible and he has this whopping Life Application study bible with a huge fancy cover and I’m almost thinking to myself (but not daring to say it) that’s what’s wrong with a decent cross reference and a small commentary. There are plenty of good commentaries available, ‘study bibles’ at church are surely just for show. But then I bet he just has the one bible whereas I have too many too count. In fact I must give some to the FP minister soon for witnessing or send them to G & T in Edinburgh for mission work. I don’t know. There was a collection for the new library or something @ the FP’s this am so I gave a small amount to that.

So anyhow, back to the point of this post. About giving up the internet on Sabbath. It’s God’s command yet why, after initially feeling joyous, do I find it such a burden? I will get used to it. I really will. I’m going to make myself. But then I question when I should try and quit the cigarettes if this is so hard for me. This is just for one day! Cigarettes are going to take me ages. And I could be grumpy for ages. It doesn’t bode well. Och wretched woman that I am – who shall save me from the body of this death (paraphrased)? Only Christ can make me whole. Only Christ. Yet this evening I am shaking my fist at him in heart if not in mind and body. Och how ungrateful is sin and how fowl it’s smell. Deliver me  thou my God I do thee humbly pray. Deliver thou this thy servant.

 

J

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free from most of the anxiety – bar me and my big mouth

Well good morning ppls. How are we all? I updated my Sparkpeople blog yesterday and I don’t want to repeat myself on both blogs so I thought I’d write wordpress when I felt inspired. I’m  doing this this morning at the cost of writing an email to M in Canada which is what I normally do when I’m waiting for breakkie to cool down.

It’s been an interesting week ….

You know I’ve had anxiety for I don’t know how long now and on Wednesday it finally left. Phew and praise God. .It got overwhelming on Monday and Tuesday of last week and I spent the time, crying, in bed, confused and not eating. You can tell when I’m mentally sick cos I just lose my appetite and don’t eat!!! I also stay in bed a lot. I was thinking about doing the Great Escape – that I haven’t done for about 4 years and spammed Dr. C no end about it (poor man.) but only as far as the Hebrides cos I’m skint! I vow never to go back on Brodie because Maureen told me not to return last time I was there and just ‘cope’. Yeah whatever. Like I go in there for least little thing. Also when trying to tell the nurses on Monday when I had to go to the chaplaincy she was less than helpful. Telling me to snap out of something when I don’t trust you will just result in me bawling all the more and yelling @ you to leave me alone. I needed time and a safe place to cry and when I’m ill I’m very sensitive and cry over least little thing.

Too many ppl have been prying about how much I earn busking. Not least L whom I don’t trust because she’s jealous about my income and K off the ward. I actually told K off the ward and now feel terrible. Must mark him down as not to be trusted. It’ll be all over the ward by now and I need those monies to give me flexibility with the debt busting budget. I’m not going out busking today cos I’ve earnt enough this week and I don’t want to be massively over what I’m allowed to earn with the DWP. So many folk see me busking. I have to be careful. It’s early days so I haven’t decided if I’m going to declare it if I go over by  a few pounds. I’ll leave it another few weeks before I decide that. But all I want to earn is what I’m allowed to earn. I want to keep this all above board. I’m not like a beggar on Union St earning £50-60 a day and it all going on drugs etc and them not declaring it.

So  yeah, now back eating and trying to keep busy. I only have 2 more weeks of my support worker due to lack of funding so pray I can get into a routine with the housework. The budget has also gone awol the past few weeks so pray I can get back on track with that.

Blessings…breakkie will be cool now

J

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A few evening meditations for you

2 Cor 12:9

And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Also

Ps 23  v1: The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want

and finally

Phil 4:19 But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.

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thoughts and impulses

Morning all. Blessings in the name of our glorious redeemer!

I am still @ Ma’s with bad thoughts. We got Ma’s microwave yesterday and it was only £30 and is fab for her. Not too complicated:). It was really cool when we were @ the supermarket because like we got there and this guy had some starbucks frappucino samples and I was still feeling anxious and it was like God was reassuring me.

Alas I got robots again last night@ the seaside because I overspent. I have the money but I feel pressurized by G and T to save it and when I get too worldly I feel like I’m actually turning into a robot and want to become a tuna fish! It’s very traumatic and I’ll feel very burdened to become a tuna fish. It makes me semi suicidal with wanting to become a tuna fish.

Even though I got bargains I still feel guilty for overspending. I always feel that. I haven’t overspent by nearly as much as I normally do on holiday yet I still feel guilty!!! Argh! And it’s not like I’ve gone overdrawn with it either!!! Argh. I don’t know what G and T expect me to use for support sometimes but like they’re anti internet – anti practically everything I enjoy. They were even anti A when I was going out with him. I am sitting here hearing them in my head condemning me and I don’t like it. But then I haven’t had my meds this am because I was going to leave them till later so I cope okay on the train home.

I am finding myself desperately wanting to be in a psych unit (sectioned preferably) anywhere BUT @ home which I haven’t had the feeling of that so strong and for so many days for years!!! I’m really battling it and whilst when it gets overwhelming the robots take over I know it’s really about anxiety and like going home. I think the FCC knocking my confidence about being on my own well and truly have a lot to answer for just like G & T have a lot to answer for with the robots. God is my righteousness though. He will hold the guilty accountable. The meds I find help with all this. So that’s why I’m taking them @ the station rather than at home even though my stomach is in knots right now. I know I don’t need to be in hospital right now. I just want to be. There’s a difference. A subtle but noticeable for me, difference and I need to be honest with someone therefore I’m being honest with you. Telling you stuff in words I can’t tell anyone else. It’s so much easier than verbalizing it all!!! It would be difficult to do it on the phone. It would be impossible face to face. I feel so guilty for regressing you would not believe yet I don’t really know how to stop it because I miss Helen and Pa terribly.

DV in about 2 weeks time I will be well enough to quit the cigs. Please pray.Now is not the right time with adjusting to being on my own and things. But maybe in a week or two I’ll be upto it. I have Uni in about 3 weeks that I’m secretly dreading. I thought I was upto it but now I wonder.

Anyhow almost 7.30am (sorry I haven’t adjusted this clock yet) so best go, get a brew and do my quiet time before we head off to the station

J