Though I need breakkie soon and like I have no clean bowls – dang. Hope you are well. It’s been a stressful few days. On Tues/Wed/Thurs (thurs was a killer!) I had major issues about control with CAP and then I started to get anxious about visiting Ma soon. Why is she so into chocolate biscuits and NO having them coated on one side does NOT make them justifiable. I mean…I’ll just get addicted and I really can’t afford to get hooked on choc biscuits. Not right now.
So on Tuesday and Wednesday I was in superdog mode and like on Thursday I just cried and heard voices. It really didn’t help that when I confided in T @ B McCall Barbour on Wednesday about my issues with control he just didn’t get it and said that I couldn’t cope with money before and that I needed someone to be in control of my money. Well that’s just like saying I should be in residential care with £20 a week for cigs and that’s it!!! It’s on a par with him calling me handicapped a few months ago and I didn’t speak to him for a few days because of it. (because he didn’t apologise. He just said it was the truth – it’s a load of hogwash but anyhow). On Wednesday I also had the choc biscuit row.
On Tuesday I was so into CAP and like Michael More in Gerrard St wastes money and his DLA and is in debt as a result. Not my fault he didn’t tell the DWP about his inheritance (40K) and used it to buy his flat. I should really report him for that but I daren’t so I’m blogging it instead. Now he has 4K loan from his Pa on the the never never and I don’t know how much from the bank and okay he doesn’t smoke but he has an expensive coffee at Costa EVERY day (even Sabbath 
) and like eats out @ the kebab shop and stuff and yet he could perfectly well cook for himself. When I have the robots and psychosis I can’t cook for myself. In fact in those times I don’t go out and I don’t eat cos I just get too muddled. Can’t even make porridge a la microwave @ those times. So what am I supposed to do? I tell you I just don’t eat. Or if I eat I eat snack high calorie, junk food. Michael More does not have a psychosis and is obese. There’s no excuse and he won’t get a bus pass so he can get cheap food. I have no sympathy just obvious frustration.
On Thursday I had a freak out about the CAP budget and it pretty much lasted all day. Really put my foot in it with CAP and am surprised they are still working with me. But they will save me about 1k in loan interest so they’re worth it! I thought about quitting. I really did, but then I thought against it. Also on Wednesday I went for my shiatsu @ the day centre so I slept like a baby. And like she helps me with nutrition. I made my first proper meal @ home on Wednesday night of rice with scrambled egg, tinned veg and cold meat with a bit (too much) miso thrown in, toast and red wine vinegar. In fact it was better cold than hot. It was yummy. On Thursday I had one of my community meals because I was so stressed which I needed. Tonight I’m making omelette 
On Monday when I got sick @ the drop in the worker helped me menu plan so on Tuesday I went to Asda and bought a load of tinned stuff (tinned veg and tinned pots to snack on) and loo roll, loads of jars of coffee and 4 bottles of squash and it only came to £14.35 which made my day. Then on Wednesday I had this bright idea about busking to earn my £20 allowance from the DWP and like bought a really cheap tinwhistle from Bruce Miller’s yesterday but I really want either a clarkes sweetone, black in D one or like a clarke’s classic in D one which are about £8 I think and I just can’t justify that right now having blown £11.25 on a tinwhistle tutor. Maybe in a couple of weeks I can justify one or like Wednesday but for now I’ll just have to resist the impulse to spend. You don’t need a license in the granite city to busk, just make sure you’re not causing an obstruction and like I thought about crocheting a busking cap with a small 2.5″ side in a circle in bright pink and maybe selling them on folksy. 
So you can see how busy I’ve been and now it’s 0714 and I need to go wash these bowls and make breakkie.
Every blessing
J.
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