I’m under satanic attack Pls pray

I’m under satanic attack. I have all the negative thoughts like I do @ the weekend about the day centre closing and being on my own and I’m feeling so insecure yet I know deep down my security is in the Lord. It’s so worrying and I feel so anxious. I don’t know what to do. I’m trying to do stuff to keep busy but it’s so hot and stuff.

Last night I quit smoking. I know – I know what you’re saying and that’s what my natural self is thinking. One cig and I’ll cope. But the reality is I’m going to get these thoughts whether I smoke or  not. I could get a voluntary job if  was that desperate. Maybe not Barnardos but maybe something else. There will always be voluntary work. A works with M sufferers and I’m thinking of trying out the busking and stuff, but right now everything seems pretty pointless to be quite honest.

It’s just because – and I was feeling fine before this – I had my depot and it was a lot lower dose than what I thought. It was a lot lower. And I started worrying about DLA and stuff. And then I started to worry about the drop ins and not having enough support. But there are lots of folk who don’t use the drop ins and there are the old folk who just go out for coffees and do voluntary work and go to the community centres for stuff so why should I worry? Look @ housing support. They still have funding despite only being promised 6 months at a time. It’s so worrying. And it’s not so much the fact that I won’t have people to see and stuff because I enjoy being on my own to a degree. I find too many folk overwhelming. It’s just that I worry about how I’ll cope with change. I need to speak to B @ the chaplaincy or someone from there as they really understand where I’m at right now. I don’t want to go little girl ish with not coping. I mean, I can cope.  I really can!

A doesn’t want to go out for a coffee and I’m scared he’s cooling it for now. I really feel insecure and stuff but I guess he hasn’t been to the drop in much lately and like wants to check in with them. I just want him as a good friend anyways. But like I long so much for a husband you would not believe. I’m hearing T as  I say this in my head saying I’m not well enough but he has NO idea. I daren’t tell him I’m trying to quit smoking because if I don’t succeed (like if I get too low) he’ll say I didn’t try hard enough. I feel myself crying inside as I write this. But like I know a cigarette wouldn’t help and I’m really not craving a cigarette. I’m craving another cup of coffee and some water but that’s about it.

Anyhow best go and do some washing up pre lunch.

TC for now

J

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