thoughts and impulses

Morning all. Blessings in the name of our glorious redeemer!

I am still @ Ma’s with bad thoughts. We got Ma’s microwave yesterday and it was only £30 and is fab for her. Not too complicated:). It was really cool when we were @ the supermarket because like we got there and this guy had some starbucks frappucino samples and I was still feeling anxious and it was like God was reassuring me.

Alas I got robots again last night@ the seaside because I overspent. I have the money but I feel pressurized by G and T to save it and when I get too worldly I feel like I’m actually turning into a robot and want to become a tuna fish! It’s very traumatic and I’ll feel very burdened to become a tuna fish. It makes me semi suicidal with wanting to become a tuna fish.

Even though I got bargains I still feel guilty for overspending. I always feel that. I haven’t overspent by nearly as much as I normally do on holiday yet I still feel guilty!!! Argh! And it’s not like I’ve gone overdrawn with it either!!! Argh. I don’t know what G and T expect me to use for support sometimes but like they’re anti internet – anti practically everything I enjoy. They were even anti A when I was going out with him. I am sitting here hearing them in my head condemning me and I don’t like it. But then I haven’t had my meds this am because I was going to leave them till later so I cope okay on the train home.

I am finding myself desperately wanting to be in a psych unit (sectioned preferably) anywhere BUT @ home which I haven’t had the feeling of that so strong and for so many days for years!!! I’m really battling it and whilst when it gets overwhelming the robots take over I know it’s really about anxiety and like going home. I think the FCC knocking my confidence about being on my own well and truly have a lot to answer for just like G & T have a lot to answer for with the robots. God is my righteousness though. He will hold the guilty accountable. The meds I find help with all this. So that’s why I’m taking them @ the station rather than at home even though my stomach is in knots right now. I know I don’t need to be in hospital right now. I just want to be. There’s a difference. A subtle but noticeable for me, difference and I need to be honest with someone therefore I’m being honest with you. Telling you stuff in words I can’t tell anyone else. It’s so much easier than verbalizing it all!!! It would be difficult to do it on the phone. It would be impossible face to face. I feel so guilty for regressing you would not believe yet I don’t really know how to stop it because I miss Helen and Pa terribly.

DV in about 2 weeks time I will be well enough to quit the cigs. Please pray.Now is not the right time with adjusting to being on my own and things. But maybe in a week or two I’ll be upto it. I have Uni in about 3 weeks that I’m secretly dreading. I thought I was upto it but now I wonder.

Anyhow almost 7.30am (sorry I haven’t adjusted this clock yet) so best go, get a brew and do my quiet time before we head off to the station

J