Another Sabbath onwards

I got my normal anxieties back last night (see last post) and I’m back smoking (for now). I think the patches just make me way too anxious with the lack of nicotine.

The remedy to all this is simple. To simply and in a childlike manner TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL OF THINE HEART AND LEAN NOT ON YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING. IN ALL YOUR WAYS ACKNOWLEGE HIM AND HE WILL MAKE YOUR PATHS STRAIGHT.

But sometimes I wonder if I’m too much of a sinner for that!

I was thinking last night – tired and anxious how my healing will come through music and craft work. On Friday I got a load of craft kits cheap that I can sell on folksy for a profit once I’ve made them up and yesterday I got a tonne of music for the keyboard and the whistle for a tenner from a charity shop. The Lord be praised.

Ma is being Ma right now. Feistily independant and won’t be told. I feared this and often quite negative and prone to putting herself down. I am like a lobster with the meds but anyhow. I am really sore and it’s been 21c here for the past few day so I’ve been out in the garden and what not.

So back to what I was saying about music and craft work. This is going to be my routine for the winter – music in the day, craft at night. So obviously I need to be prepared.I can’t join SCAT (scottish culture and traditions)till I’m semi competant @ the whistle so that’ll be the Fall DV. So I have to practice my socks off for now but the timings on the folk music are so hard to get ones head around and I don’t know how fast to play them.

Anyhow sorry for such a short blog entry. I’m not on my own pc and feel very self conscious and uninspired to write.

J

I’m under satanic attack Pls pray

I’m under satanic attack. I have all the negative thoughts like I do @ the weekend about the day centre closing and being on my own and I’m feeling so insecure yet I know deep down my security is in the Lord. It’s so worrying and I feel so anxious. I don’t know what to do. I’m trying to do stuff to keep busy but it’s so hot and stuff.

Last night I quit smoking. I know – I know what you’re saying and that’s what my natural self is thinking. One cig and I’ll cope. But the reality is I’m going to get these thoughts whether I smoke or  not. I could get a voluntary job if  was that desperate. Maybe not Barnardos but maybe something else. There will always be voluntary work. A works with M sufferers and I’m thinking of trying out the busking and stuff, but right now everything seems pretty pointless to be quite honest.

It’s just because – and I was feeling fine before this – I had my depot and it was a lot lower dose than what I thought. It was a lot lower. And I started worrying about DLA and stuff. And then I started to worry about the drop ins and not having enough support. But there are lots of folk who don’t use the drop ins and there are the old folk who just go out for coffees and do voluntary work and go to the community centres for stuff so why should I worry? Look @ housing support. They still have funding despite only being promised 6 months at a time. It’s so worrying. And it’s not so much the fact that I won’t have people to see and stuff because I enjoy being on my own to a degree. I find too many folk overwhelming. It’s just that I worry about how I’ll cope with change. I need to speak to B @ the chaplaincy or someone from there as they really understand where I’m at right now. I don’t want to go little girl ish with not coping. I mean, I can cope.  I really can!

A doesn’t want to go out for a coffee and I’m scared he’s cooling it for now. I really feel insecure and stuff but I guess he hasn’t been to the drop in much lately and like wants to check in with them. I just want him as a good friend anyways. But like I long so much for a husband you would not believe. I’m hearing T as  I say this in my head saying I’m not well enough but he has NO idea. I daren’t tell him I’m trying to quit smoking because if I don’t succeed (like if I get too low) he’ll say I didn’t try hard enough. I feel myself crying inside as I write this. But like I know a cigarette wouldn’t help and I’m really not craving a cigarette. I’m craving another cup of coffee and some water but that’s about it.

Anyhow best go and do some washing up pre lunch.

TC for now

J

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Well it’s a Saturday morning – time to blog

Though I need breakkie soon and like I have no clean bowls – dang. Hope you are well. It’s  been a stressful few days. On Tues/Wed/Thurs (thurs was a killer!) I had major issues about control with CAP and then I started to get anxious about visiting Ma soon. Why is she so into chocolate biscuits and NO having them coated on one side does NOT make them justifiable. I mean…I’ll just get addicted and I really can’t afford to get hooked on choc biscuits. Not right now.

So on Tuesday and Wednesday I was in superdog mode and like on Thursday I just cried and heard voices. It really didn’t help that when I confided in T @ B McCall Barbour on Wednesday about my issues with control he just didn’t get it and said that I couldn’t cope with money before and that I needed someone to be in control of my money. Well that’s just like saying I should be in residential care with £20 a week for cigs and that’s it!!!  It’s on a par with him calling me handicapped a few months ago and I didn’t speak to him for a few days because of it. (because he didn’t apologise. He just said it was the truth – it’s a load of hogwash but anyhow). On Wednesday I also had the choc biscuit row.

On Tuesday I was so into CAP and like Michael More in  Gerrard St wastes money and his DLA and is in debt as a result. Not my fault he didn’t tell the DWP about his inheritance (40K) and used it to buy his flat. I should really report him for that but I daren’t so I’m blogging it instead. Now he has 4K loan from his Pa on the the never never and I don’t know how much from the bank and okay he doesn’t smoke but he has an expensive coffee at Costa EVERY day (even Sabbath ) and like eats out @ the kebab shop and stuff and yet he could perfectly well cook for himself. When I have the robots and psychosis I can’t cook for myself. In fact in those times I don’t go out and I don’t eat cos I just get too muddled. Can’t even make porridge a la microwave @ those times. So what am I supposed to do? I tell you I just don’t eat. Or if  I eat I eat snack high calorie, junk food. Michael More does not have a psychosis and is obese. There’s no excuse and he won’t get a bus pass so he can get cheap food.  I have no sympathy just obvious frustration.

On Thursday I had a freak out about the CAP budget and it pretty much lasted all day. Really put my foot in it with CAP and am surprised they are still working with me. But they will save me about 1k in loan interest so they’re worth it! I thought about quitting. I really did, but then I thought against it. Also on Wednesday I went for my shiatsu @ the day centre so  I slept like a baby. And like she helps me with nutrition. I made my first proper meal @ home on Wednesday night of rice with scrambled egg, tinned veg and cold meat with a bit (too much) miso thrown in, toast and red wine vinegar. In fact it was better cold than hot. It was yummy. On Thursday I had one of my community meals because I was so stressed which I needed. Tonight I’m making omelette

On Monday when I got sick @ the drop in the worker helped me menu plan so on Tuesday I went to Asda and bought a  load of tinned stuff (tinned veg and tinned pots to snack on) and loo roll, loads of jars of coffee and 4 bottles of squash and it only came to £14.35 which made my day. Then on Wednesday I had this bright idea about busking to earn my £20 allowance from the DWP and like bought a really cheap tinwhistle from Bruce Miller’s yesterday but I really want either a clarkes sweetone, black in D one or like  a clarke’s classic in D one which are about £8 I think and I just can’t justify that right now having blown £11.25 on a tinwhistle tutor. Maybe in a couple of weeks I can justify one or like Wednesday but for now I’ll just have to resist the impulse to spend. You don’t need a license in the granite city to busk, just make sure you’re not causing an obstruction and like I thought about crocheting a busking cap with a small 2.5″ side in a circle in bright pink and maybe selling them on folksy.

So you can see how busy I’ve been and now it’s 0714 and I need to go wash these bowls and make breakkie.

Every blessing

J.

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prayers pls

As you know I tried to quit smoking last week and failed (2 days into the CAP budget) and like I thought that was probably because I wasn’t fully adjusted to the CAP budget but I’ve just done the budget for this week and next and it looks champion. Even with going to Ma’s for the weekend it looks champion!!!

Now I’m thinking….

With the CAP budget it’s going to take me about 3-4 months to save up for new veggie doc martens and

I’d really like ‘em sooner (they’re about £80 and would last me 5 years of hard pounding the streets of Abdn and are made in England ). If I quit cigs we’re looking @ less than 6 weeks!!!

What does everyone reckon and if I do quit…when? Now or like when I go to Ma’s a week thurs….

J

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I’m just so hungry…

All I’ve had to eat today is like a bowl of porridge and a banana. I’m just sitting here so hungry and so anxious!!! I keep thinking if I eat or try and prepare food the robots and the CIA will come and kill me and stuff. It’s just so scary you would not believe. I don’t know who to tell.

At the drop in centre they had a questionaire about funding. They reckon they’ll get their funding cut again next year and where will that leave me? I pray they put a 24 hour crisis line in place or something cos right now I’m needing help with just about all the basics – taking meds (which I’m not doing apart from depot), eating, showering, brushing my teeth, washing my hair. I need to be reminded and encouraged and reassured on all these points. I need someone to sit with me when I eat and prepare food cos I’m scared witless otherwise and I’m actually quite low right now. I feel like no one loves me and I feel so alone you would not believe and I’m sitting worrying my life away (pretty literally) and I don’t feel safe. I can’t make myself feel safe by tidying because I feel nauseaus with hunger. I feel dizzy and lightheaded too. I don’t have that much refined sugar in my diet and I’m craving carbs and protein and veg (sort of not the veg but I don’t just have protein and carbs).

I think I’m about to become keyfaced and keel over so best go…..

J

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not feeling so well

Welll it’s a great debate aboiout whether I’m well or ill right now. Ic can’t see a thing I’m tyoing here @ the drop in so this will have to be brief. How are you? Argh it’s come up at last. STOOPID  wordpress LOL. Stoopid stoopid wordpress

Anyhow what was I saying. I am sitting here a la drop in and I have the need to blog. This am I was rudely awoken @ 6.45 by the impossibly loud alarm. I could have really done with staying in bed. Last night was lousy because as you know I didn’t keep the Sabbath holy and ended up self harming (don’t ask where – you really don’t want to know!). I think this is because I didn’t go to the evening service @ church because like I don’t believe in adult baptism as a profession of faith. You can take the girl out of the wee wee frees but you cannae take Calvin out of the wifey springs to mind here. You know why I don’t believe in adult baptism. I mentioned it on here the other day.

Anyhow that was that. Everyone is most concerned that I’m back self harming again and I’m desperately trying to avoid the medics and some how fix the past few days myself. I was phoning everyone this morning  in a state of confusion. Satan (Or Simon as he now calls himself) was about again last night telling me to cut my nipple off. Nope I’d rather NOT go to A+E if at all possible thankyou very much. A+E is not my favourite place. Guess it’s more about my current medic phobia than anything else (which even extends to the head pastor @ church cos he used to be a GP.). But it’s worse than normal cos I know I need to be seeing Dr. C in the next two weeks but I’m too scared to be asking to see him sooner. I know I’m not well but like I’m in denial and after years of being misdiagnosed I do denial with finesse.

Only had a banana for lunch. Can’t eat. Have to prepare meals for myself and too muddled to prepare food so it’s not happening. Only have 3 community meals for the next week for the next 4 weeks so that’s that. Not much food for me. Will buy some tinned soup in tomorrow so that like I have something cheap I can just heat in the micro.

Anyhow the summer cloche hat in dusty pink is now sold but I won’t see the money till like I have £50 on paypal because they charge for the transfer otherwise.

Blessings

J

New brooches @ my shop @ folksy :)

I know I shouldn’t list them on Sabbath but it’s done now. Woe is me.

Anyhow just to let you all know I’ve just finished some gorgeous pink brooches and they are available to sell for the bargain price of £2.75 plus P+P on my folksy site.

See below

Not going to church tonight because of this adult baptism/profession of faith thing.

J
PS. There’s 5 of them so you might be lucky if you want to get one. More stock to follow soon DV.

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Och I thought I hadn’t blogged this week…

Och I thought I hadn’t blogged this week and like so I thought I’d write to you. How are you? Firefox is being awfully slow right now so going into Opera/K-Meleon. It’s just so slow it’s almost  like I’m not on broadband. Unless I play around with the settings and delete the cookies or something? I used to do that with my 486 years ago (yes at one time 486’s worked okay on the internet – even in windows ).

Anyhow….not surprisingly I was like so tired on Wednesday night. N came round which was nice though my beloved A now has the bug that’s going round so he’s not even texting me and like I’ve not seen him for two weeks so am REALLY missing him the past couple of days. Also because business is so slack and like they have no intention of selling online because they’re so old, T and G are uncontactable all weekend. G has gone down to visit her cousin and T can’t even work a mobile. Neither are into texting they’re that fossilized so there’s like now no contact until Wednesday. To be quite honest I’m not really missing T. I mean we have so many misunderstandings it’s unreal and that makes stuff hard. Yesterday he was like if I really wanted to be delivered from the cigs (not that I am. CAP are now incorporating them into my budget cos surprise surprise I got psychotic again when I tried to quit) I would and I’m like “You have no idea….” But then T and G don’t exactly have an idea of how comfortable I’ve got being in debt.  I’ve kind of gotten used to after 10 years and a heap of bad financial advice off Natwest (they just kept consolidating stuff when I got into difficulties ).

I’ve got vol work @ lunchtime but I really don’t feel like going out. It’s a grey wet day and it’s cold. It’s something like 8c whereas some days lately we’ve had it upto 10 or 12 even by now then about 15 at lunch. So it feels cold.  And to make matters worse it’s windy. I will have to wrap up warm.

Tomorrow is the welcome lunch @ KTCC. I’m not 100% happy being pentecostal. The preaching is very VERY weak compared to what I’m used to though easier to concentrate on. But like it’s what’s best for me for now. At heart I’m still a calvinist. Of course T doesn’t like the calvinists being a baptist, dispensationalist kind of guy, so he’s thrilled. But I miss them. I know pentecostal doctrine isn’t right. I know that. I don’t believe in adult baptism and they are having a baptismal service tomorrow night which is worrying. I think they are doing full immersion too which is just WRONG. This is nothing against the church per se and more an issue of doctrine. They are lovely, lovely people. Don’t get me wrong. This isn’t slander or anything. In fact S, G and T are just the best (yep ya on facebook so now I’ve made ya famoose in me blog ).But back to what I was saying about my point of doctrine. I’m a paedobaptist and I don’t think that makes me papist (in fact I know it doesn’t). But baptism is like circumsicion was on the OT (old testament) and is a sign of the covenant.   It’s a sign of admission to the church family as well and can only be done for children of believers because there is no covenant of saving grace with the children of unbelievers unless God, in his great mercy, plucks them as brands from the burning later on in life. Or unless after infancy the parents are redeemed. Then I believe in the covenant because of what happened to the jailor in the book of Acts.

I also believe in sprinkling as a form of baptism because it’s all symbolic and like often where people were baptised in the early church there was little water. Also sprinkling is a lot quicker than full immersion and so to do as many people as what John the Baptist would have baptised in day sprinkling would have been the only way.

We can debate this as much as you want, either on here or on  FB but anyhow. That’s my two pennyworth for today on paedo v adult baptism. For the record I don’t believe in the papist doctrine of ‘confirmation’ but more the reformed stance of a  ‘profession of faith’. I prefer that, before admission to the Lord’s table. I will write more about the differences between pentecostals and  Calvinists another time though I’m sure you know most of them already.

Anyhow…

Got permission to go back on the cigs from CAP thurs pm. The anxiety was a killer (almost) and like the paranoia and voices so intense. But at least we know (a) I can’t handle stress and (b) I’m only losing it when stressed, which is something. So I guess the haloperidol is working. Alas I saw the optician on Monday and she reckoned the meds were causing a  sensitivity to light which is not so good but poundland have decent sunglasses in there @ the moment for £1 which is good. I lost last years ones. So that’s good. I’ve had two really bad sessions with my support worker now because of stress so I really need to make some effort on the housework this next week. The flat is a minor mess!!! At some point I must post pics of like the old flat in the squalor it was in from 10 years ago. I was  off meds, 8 stone, anorexic, psychotic with little support and an absolute eejit for a psych. I think half of it was cos I wasn’t on meds. I’m a lot more organised when on meds. But that was way back in the late 90’s when personality disorder was just a shameful enigma to many medics and care professionals. I suffered a lot in that time and then you wonder why I’m so scared of medics. I can’t bear to see like the CPN and psych in the same week, or even the GP and say psych or something. It’s just too many medics and too scary. This is even though I get on with them.  I’m still scared and I get so nervous before appointments. If I was really, chronically, scared of my medics I would refuse to see them. Some things just aren’t worth it!

Anyhow I’m beginning to lose my concentration so best go.

Blessings

J

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re. feeling better

Up in the middle of the night cos of too much dark choc from christians against poverty (I take all choc – not least thorntons dark stuff). Got to blog an update @ some point tonight or in the next few days though not 100% inspired to write right now. How are you? CAP is fine. I have about £30 per week for food out of their budget, no money for cigs (please pray. You know I smoke like a chimney!!!) and like 3.75 for leisure (one starbucks) and £5 for drop ins. That’s about it. They have budgeted for stuff like clothes etc but because of how my money works I can’t afford it. So no money for clothes and no money for household repairs and something else (I forget what). However £240 per year to go down to Ma’s on the train and £30 per month for savings so first priority is to save enough money for new shoes that will last ages. I need about £80 for a pair of vegan Doc Martens that will last about 5 years and come September I need about £45 for birkenstocks for next year. But that’s all the shoes I will need for the year so that’ll be fine. They hope to pay £400 off my debt per month which sounds a lot but it all adds up. So DV I should be debt free in about 18 months and then I can save for stuff like new carpets and a summer holiday and maybe (though not definite) a washing machine which would be just fab. Once the debts are paid off the possibilities (if I still get DLA) are endless. After the debts are paid off and I’ve gotten my carpets and like my cheap package holiday in the sun in the summer then I’m planning to save the max I can with benefits for a rainy day. I think that’s wise. The washing machine is just me going OTT.  I don’t really need it right now.

Please pray about the smoking…..really do need your prayers on this one…

Hugs

J

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puffballs are dangerous!

Biggest Puff ball ever!

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